June 22nd, 2005
Categories: Uncategorized

Back And Forth


Hi. My name’s Rhys, I’m 21 years of age, and I fucking hate Wimbledon.

Yes, even the fact that it’s full of attractive women with names ending in “getmylegova”, I find it duller than dishwater. Although it’s probably due to some deep psychological reasoning when I got hit in the knackers at a early age with a tennis ball, I’ll try and make a reasoning for it. It’s best explained how dull it is by comparing the video game equivalent of 3 sports, and seeing when they truly captured the excitement of the sport.

The excitement of football was only really captured in 2004, when Pro Evolution Soccer 4 was released.

The excitement of golf was only really captured in 2003, when Tiger Woods Golf was released.

The excitement of tennis was only really captured in 1979, when Pong was released.

As you can clearly see, the excitement to the sport is proportional to the year the game that achieved that excitement was released.

The worst thing about Wimbledon is that we play the fucking underdogs every fucking year. As a nation, we believe we are better than anybody at sport. In some (such as cricket and darts), we are. In tennis, every year, we believe we have a decent shot of winning it. Every year, we pin our hopes on Tim Henman, in the hope that he; should the moons of Saturn be aligned correctly, and there be a lunar eclipse, and he actually pull his finger out and play some proper ballsy tennis; wins a grand slam. Every year, he fails.

“He deserves it!”, they cry on ‘Henman Hill’ (an area outside Wimbledon where people with nothing better to do for 2 weeks gather and cheer on the big loser). “Bollocks he does!”, I say. The same way that apparently Coldplay deserved to get to number one because they sold less singles than the Crazy Frog.

Why do we as a nation love a loser? We need a John McEnroe type in every sport. A guy who not necessarily plays by all the rules, but is not so wet as “Tiger” Tim that he’s actually adorable. All the men want to be him, all the ladies want to shag him, and all the livestock want to get eaten by him. We, as a nation, need a hero. And it’s not going to be Tim Henman.

But, even if that hero comes, I still hate fucking tennis.

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