August 25th, 2005
Categories: Uncategorized

The Mutts Nuts

 

Yes, I’m aware of the hypocritcal nature of that last post. By slamming the low brow Sun and Star, whist posting a semi-naked picture, not only did I prevent Roland from viewing this site at work, but also came across as a hypocritical oaf.

The same can be said in work today, when I drew attention to myself by forsaking the Sun (as Rick had already completed the sudoku, bastard) for a copy of Nuts. Nuts is your typical mens magazine, and quite light reading. Of course, with kids running round, you can’t read it in public, but staff room? Fair game. By posessing a set of testicles, I quite enjoy reading it. However, by posessing a brain, I don’t like reading the Sun. Something that a few of my work colleagues can’t seem to grasp. Is it odd to possess those two traits? Are bloke magazines and tabloids two of a kind? Let me know if you read a quality newspaper and a men’s mag. Cheers.

In any rate, flicking through Nuts, I turned to what is arguably the shittest feature – “Real Girl Roadshow”. This one shit oasis in a desert of quality is basically asking three ladies from a certain area to flash their boobs and answer three questions. These days, that gets you a GCSE, but no academic awards are awarded here, oh no. Instead you are immortallized on the page of a weekly mens mag.

Imagine my suprise then, when they had my old (and – for a week or so at least – current) stomping ground of Llandudno advertised! Yes, Llandudno was the destination of the Real Girls Roadshow, and they’ve written an article about everybody’s favourite place on the North Wales coast. Of course, they’ve surrounded it with pictures of ladies with their tops off and sugar coated it a bit, and this is where I come in.

You see, a lot of it is blatant lies. Llandudno, whilst still one of the most gorgeous places in the world, is a shit night out. Okay, you don’t get stabbed like if you went out in Rhyl or Colwyn Bay, but even so it’s pretty boring, with the one club monopolizing the clubbing area. This didn’t stop Nuts, so here is the article (trunchated a little bit), with my thoughts intejected, they are in brackets.

“Oh we do like to be beside the side, especially if the seaside happens to be Llandudno, scene of quite possibly the most mental Real Girls Roadshow yet (lie).

“Ah yes, the girls, Llandudno’s three best tourist attractions (lie. one’s from Deganwy, one’s from Colwyn Bay, one’s from Old Colwyn. The three best tourist attractions are the tramway, Great Orme and Pier)….skip a bit….and Katie, 18 (probably a lie, 17 year old + arse in + tits out = Broadway entry) from Colwyn Bay said “Being by the sea is great! You can get up to all sorts of naughty stuff on the beach.” (probably a lie, through lack of experience).”

“They led us to the fantastic Broadway Boulevard (lie) and, like most of the girls there, procceeded to drink shots (probably true, as you get a free one on entry), snog each other (lie) and fall out of their tops (lie).”

That never happens in Llandudno. It’s bloody freezing and you’ll catch a chill for starters, and the chances of girl-on-girl action is slim as Wales (by fact) have the smallest percentage of non-hetrosexual women in the country. Llandudno is a rubbish night out (so much so that I’m trying to persuade my mate to visit me during the day, so I don’t have to take him out), no two ways about it.

Yes, I still read Nuts, it’s a brilliant mag, but that was sensationalism at it’s best.

Now if that makes me a spineless hypocrite, so be it.

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