February 14th, 2006
Categories: Uncategorized

Clincially Cynical


I see I wasn’t the only cynical bastard out there on VD day, I’m sure pretty much every singeton (and a few couples) on the face of this earth was feeling similar. However, not to be arrogent, I did something not many people did and took advice from Fern.

I did something about it.

Of course, she probably meant “find an attractive young lady with loose morals, and knob your troubles away!”. I took the more achievable option of “Ruining a special moment on a couple’s special day”.

Before I continue, two things I’ve got to let you know before this story begins. Firstly I have a complete inability to open jars. It’s my weak wrists (no jokes), which means I cannot open jars no matter how hard I try. Most things I enjoy (marinades and mayonnaise) however come in jars, so – unless I’m with people – I will probably starve. Luckily I have 3 housemates who all have stronger wrists than me, so they usually open them for the small price of being known as “the bitch of the house”.

Secondly is that this is a fairly common occurance, with housemates destroying tender moments in the house. So, don’t feel too bad for him. He’s done it to me before.

Anyway, valentine’s night began with action from another blog post. I made good on my word to make my own prawn mayonnaise, so I went out I bought the cheapest prawns I could find and the most expensive mayo I could find. A jar of Helmanns finest light mayonnaise. I let the Iceland prawns defrost overnight, and was ready to make the mayo. One thing stopped me though.

I couldn’t get the bloody jar open.

Time was tight. Tom was out rehearsing for the play where he plays somebody who’s unsure of his sexuality (a role he plays far too well), Mike was at a guitar lesson. All that was left was Guy, who was spending valentine’s night with his missus. Do I spoil my best mate’s valentine’s day? Or do I go without mayonnaise. In the end, my desire for mayonnaise won over.

I knocked on his door.




“You decent?”


“Oh dude this is urgent.”

Guy grumbles, “Oh, alright.”

I gave him my jar to open. I have mayonnaise. I’m happy.

Note to St. Valentine: You can deny me cards on your day, you can deny me a special someone on my day, but you will not deny my mayonnaise.

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