Certain times on this blog, I stretch the truth a little bit. Occasionally I flat out lie to get a cheap laugh. What I am about to relate to you – I can assure you – is 100% fact.
I was sat in Colwyn Bay yesterday on my lunch break. I had bought a cajun chicken sandwich and thought – as it was a nice day – I’d eat it outside. I could of gone down to the beach, but instead I found myself a nice little bench outside the Colwyn Centre, and watched the world go by, until I heard a voice.
I turned and saw a guy in a wheelchair coming towards me. Me being polite, I answered with “Alright mate!”. I’ve spoken to him before – he appreciates the company. This time, he didn’t want general chit chat, he wanted more.
“You have very nice shoes, how much do they cost?”
I wasa bit taken aback, “Errmm….well, thanks. They were only cheap.”
“Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccceeee. Are they real leather?”
“No,” I said, with a dismissive laugh, “you couldn’t kill a cow for £15″
“Can I have a closer look?”
Bit of a strange thing to ask, but never mind. I put my foot on the bench for him to see. He twitched, sighed, and then continued.
“Do you wear socks?”
“Ummm….yeah, I do. They’re black.”
“Can I see them?”
“They’re not exciting, but yeah.”. I roll up my trouser leg just a little bit to show my socks. He twitched harder, sighed harder, and then it struck me. Although a fairly innocent act of rolling up my trouser legs, it appeared to him sexual. My god, he was getting off on me! To him, it was like a model rolling up her skirt to show her suspenders, I kept my deadpan expression, whilst trying to search my conversation libarary for “Things to say to a gay disabled foot fetishist in order to say to ‘no’ without hurting their feelings”. All the time, my concentration being violated by his further requests.
“I bet in this weather your feet are nice and sweaty.”
“I’d love to see your tonails.”
“Take your shoes off, for me please?”
Dejected to not find an solution to this, I made my excuses that I have to go back to work, and walked away. Briskly.
My mate told m once about a “Sexual Karma Fairy”. Apparently, she’s a bit like Cupid. But she decides who you end up with in life. She creates happy marriages to beautiful people for people have been good, and punishes those who have been assholes with strings of unhappy marriages to munters who don’t give oral sex. The Sexual Karma Fairy tests you with situations you don’t want to be in, and scores you on the way you handle them. Today was such a test and, despite my less-than-perfect end of the conversation, I think I handed the situation pretty well. Although I don’t know what the Sexual Karma Fairy has in store for me, but you can bet that – after the today’s performance – I would be miffed at something less than “Average Looking Normal Person/Below Average Looking Celebrity”.