As a way to keep myself entertained during Shutdown Day, I did download some games from the Wii’s Virtual Console feature. Yes, I do realise that technically it’s going online, but I really don’t care too much. In the traditional “Checking e-mails, forums, feeds and Adsense”, the stuff I’d normally do, I didn’t.

Anyway, I downloaded The Legend of Zelda II – The Adventure of Link. I’ll be honest, I had it as a kid, and I quite liked it. As a full grown adult, I’m not sure. It isn’t bad, and it has occupied me when Wii Sports and Wii Play are not required (usually when I’m alone, late at night, and I cannot be arsed jumping around the room). But at times it is the most frustrating game ever. The fact the game has only one restart point – the main castle, so whenever you die you end up there.

There is one little known fact about the game. It is the first form of prostitution ever in a video game. Basically, there are towns dotted about the world map, where some of the residents can heal your wounds. Take this little lovely in the red dress.


As a man, we learn to read between the lines of what women say (for young’uns out there no = yes and yes = no). She’s not going to “heal Link” for nothing. And she’s wearing red. For those of you who haven’t picked up on what she’s means, allow me to show you a screenshot of what she really said, before Nintendo got their “Hyrule is very clean place” mitts on it.


Yeah, Nintendo’d probably say something like “She heals Link by using mystic fairy dust found on a floating island above a white castle”, but I suspect Link really just needed his pipes cleaned. Besides – as we all know, a quick shag, a quick kip, you’ll be as right as rain!

If Nintendo want the Virtual Console to be a success, they need Nintendo World Cup on it, as it is the best football game ever, better than Pro Evo. Forget your realism, your offsides, and all those other pointless Political Correct “Rules”, this is where the balls out, take no prisoners, murderous action on a football pitch. I mean, what more could you want from a game? It’s got stereotypes of African Nations.


Bicycle Kicks.


And the greatest shoulder barges known to man.


Alas, it’s not on the virtual console. It should be. What old school game would you like to see on there? (keep it obscure, as Mario/Sonic is already there)

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