People’s lives are defined by good things and bad things. It’s what makes us who we are. A year ago today, was unfortunately one of those bad things.
For the unaware, and newer readers - you can read about it here. Long story short: I went out after work for a few drinks, got to bed late, and woke up with premature aortal contraction. Basically, an irregular heartbeat. Physically, I was fine after being hooked up to a drip which slowed down my heart, and six hours later I was home. Mentally and emotionally I was a mess.
I do find it hard talking about it, as not many 23 year olds wake up and find something wrong with them more than a hangover. It’s one of the scariest things lying on that hospital bed with men 40-50 years older than me on beds either side of me, attached to respirators and defibrillators and dialysis machines, and me being there. It’s scary having something wrong with you, and not knowing when you will be okay again.
Since that day, 365 days later, I have become a huge hypochondriac. It’s the worse feeling in the world - I can’t deal with pain now, as I automatically assume that pain will land me in hospital again. For the past few days, for example, I have had a pretty sore neck. Old Rhys would’ve assumed that “Oh, it’s a muscle strain, snap out of it”, but I was worried sick on Tuesday night what it was, so much so that I couldn’t sleep, and almost made myself sick. It isn’t good. However, I believe the only thing that’ll get me over this is by getting hurt again and again to make me realise I’m not dying, or I’m not going to wind up in hospital.
I look back on the 19th April, and the fact I went for a few beers. Would I have done it again? Probably not. If I was to go back in time and say “Rhys, if you go out drinking tomorrow, you’re going to end up in hospital”. I wouldn’t of gone out, nobody would’ve. It’s just stupid to do that to yourself, knowingly put yourself in hospital. Then I look at times in my life in which led me to that point.
Times such as “Rhys, would you have stayed on in Liverpool for another year, got the job in the call centre?”. To which I say hell yes. The good I know from that far outweighs the bad (the friends I’ve got - I wouldn’t have met Han, for one). On top of that, I wouldn’t be 3 stone lighter, eating pretty well, and have the job that I do should I have called it a day in Liverpool after University.
It is largely the fact that a) I’m still scared about hospitals and b) I dunno what caused me officially to end up in hospital (lt’s either: drink spiked or stressed, overworked, without having a decent night sleep in ages), that makes me a bit of a hypochondriac, but I’m getting better…I think.
Apologies for the dull emo entry today, I just needed to get it off my chest.
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Rhys Wynne, the author of this blog, is a 20 something web designer from Colwyn Bay.
I know it’s obvious, but throughout people’s lives, something will happen that changes them permenantly.
In my case, it was severing 4 tendons in my left wrist with a machete, in your case it was your heart and in Michael J Fox’s case (he was the one that said this originally) it’s Parkinsons.
But each one of us would much rather have our own thing wrong rather than have someone else’s lot. For instance, I would much rather my (nearly always sore, club rugby career ending) wrist than your salsa beat heart problem and I’m sure you’d much rather have your heart problem than my (well used, heh) wrist. Mr Fox saw someone with alzheimer’s and he said he would much rather have the shakes than have that, etc etc.
Life without these little things would just be boring, we all have our problems yet none of us would swap ours for someone else’s because they so heavily define who we are.
Shorter version of my above comment:
Rhys: Put your toughen up pants on and deal with it
Heh heh heh
I can’t believe that was a year ago!?
Yup, what that bloke above me said. I have never ever been physically maimed or had anything majorly wrong with me but I’ve had my fair share of shit and stuff to deal with and I’m really not afraid of anything now (well aside from clowns). Basically what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and even though 90% of my adult life has seen me being really hurt and betrayed by those who I trusted most, I wouldn’t change it for the world because I love who I am now and I can see that it wasn’t my fault. I dealt with my issues and other people had their issues.
Can I third what Celeste and Tilesey said above?
Hospitals are incredibly scary places for me too, and it’s made even more so when something goes wrong with either the heart or the brain, those two organs are so vital to us that it’s easy to see why it would scare the living crap outta a person.
It can only make you stronger as a person in the long run and that has to be a good thing, it’s what everyone tells me anyways so I am beginning to believe it heh.
“Since that day, 365 days later, I have become a huge hypochondriac.”
I recon you were one before ‘that day’ too!
I’m sure its stress nothing else.
I’m sure something like that kind of justifies worrying about every illness, but time should teach you you’re not going to be hospitalised over every little thing.
I’m really unlucky with illness, I never get colds or flu or anything like that, but then I get crazy ills like bells palsy, which is the most bizzare illness I’d never heard of.
Fudge me! A year ago already?! Wow!
I know how much shit you went through, despite me and toms signs of affection we were genuinely worried about you!
But, and i know you hate me saying it, you do worry too much, not just about health but everything! You need to reeeelax *south park saddam hussein voice needed*
your holiday will be good and seeing the steps your taking im proud of you buddy
Palpatations aren’t abnormal, and i think mike overreacted which didnt help the situation. I’ve had them and you just lie there and wait for them to pass. Then go to the bar for a beer!