June 6th, 2008
Categories: General

Guestpost – Temerity Jane

 

Those of you who follow my Twitter Feed will know of Temerity Jane, the cheeky little Washingtonian minx who has become my fake internet girlfriend. A girl who seemingly – like every one on this planet, wants to get me drunk and have her wicked way with me. Until that glorious day, our flirting will have to make do with twitter (scary thought, cybersex over twitter – 140 characters cannot express how I feel for you). I guestposted for her a few weeks ago, and – with promises of a mention in a youtube video and a topless photograph – she’s returning the favour. Enjoy!

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HELLO! I’m TJ and I write at Temerity Jane.com and Rhys is my fake internet boyfriend. I drafted him as such several weeks ago. Using my pull as his fake internet girlfriend, I demanded he write a guest post for me last week, when I was caught in the midst of a brutal deadline at work, and now I’d like to return the favor.

When Rhys wrote for me, he wrote about some of the differences between the US and the UK in order to prepare himself for his upcoming trip, and I’d like to think my readers were helpful, but they were probably just buttheads. But they’re my buttheads, and I like them that way. Taking much the same tactic, I’m hoping Rhys’s readers can give me a bit of help on US/UK differences.

I live right outside Washington, DC. Between immigrants, tourists and people travelling on business, going out to a bar on the weekend can be quite an international experience. And you know what suckers us American women are for the accents, right? It’s almost as though you can be a complete asshole, kick puppies for fun, once have started your own grandmother on fire in order to light a cigarette, but it all fades away if you’ve got some kind of interesting accent.

Like I said, we’re huge suckers.

Anyway, so we’re attracted to the accent, but how does a girl go about catching the attention of one of these UK types in order to date him? I mean, I met a British guy once, in a bar, but we didn’t so much date as… well, that’s pretty universal and I don’t need any help there.

Dealing largely and ham-handedly in stereotypes, if I were to go to a bar and want to pick up a guy, being tall, blonde, thin with a set of boobs big enough to make the physisists in the crowd wonder how it’s even possible that I remain standing up would be a good start, if I was after landing your all around average red-blooded American male type. Boldness is rewarded, apparently – stomping right up to him, placing said boobs in his face and offering to buy him a drink might get me somewhere. In more sober situatations, long, meaningful, eye-contact-filled gazes across the bar room may get me somewhere as well. Once engaged in conversation, it is the woman’s job to drop enough extremely blatant hints that it is 98% likely, barring unforseen puking on her shoes or some other such tragedy, that the man will indeed get lucky that night if he takes some initiative. Without some kind of near 100% clear sign from the woman that the deal is sealed, a male is unlikely to put his ego on the line and press on, unless the blood-to-beer ratio in his body has tipped far in favor of alcohol.

When I met the British guy I mentioned ealier, there were actually three of them. All travelling together on business, all drinking quite a bit, and all, save one, extremely quiet. Normally, my ploy is to ask a man questions about himself, over and over and over, as, like most creatures, American men love to talk about themselves, but getting anything out of these men was like pulling teeth. They all stood rather close to me – in fact, I was quickly separated off from my friends and surrounded – but seemed content to just stand there and blink at me and drink their beers, leaving me at a complete loss as to how to engage one of them and drag him off for the night.

Now, of course, that eventually worked out in my favor, but that was — ok, not something I’m going to go into, but the way things all went down left no cultural-difference ambiguity. Trust me.

So, anyway, you international men types, how would you advise your standard American woman to go about dating (or just taking home, if that’s her thing) on of you types, what with the accents and all? And, you international female types (male types can stop reading here), setting aside all the absolute tripe I’ve just written making myself look like a whore who is just out to have dirty talk sound more interesting, which is not at all the case, how do you go about indicating your interest/engaging men that you have met that you would be interested in knowing further?

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