A story on the BBC got me fuming late last week. Apparently, a think tank who really haven’t got much to do except masturbate and get in the way of life, have said that The North is “Beyond Revival” and a mass migration to London, Cambridge and Oxford would stop them becoming “trapped” in poorer areas. Reports that Han headed the committee that wrote the report remain unfounded.
So, in light of the soon to be northern invasion into the South, here’s some things to look out for.
- You may notice all Northerners having a funny look on their face, with squinty eyes and an upturned mouth. This is an expression known as “smiling”.
- Work will finish at 5, on the dot. Any extra we get paid for. It is a long standing agreement.
- Please do not be offended if we refuse a £3.50 a pint. That’s like an hourly wage, after tax.
- We do not care about our “Dividends”. We care about “Odds”.
- We will care about the Boat Race the second you allow more teams in, particularly Leeds Metropoliton University and the Sunderland Technical College.
- If we suddenly make noises to you on the train, it does not mean we’re a terrorist about to blow it up, nor are we a paedophile, nor are we asking for your wallet. It’s called a “conversation”.
- We have no idea where Essex is, or why you should be proud (or offended) if you come from there.
- Because we stand a football matches, we are not hooligans. It was popular in the 1970′s, and we will do it.
Joking aside, the report made me angry. I lived in Liverpool for 4 years and never had any trouble where we were living. It’s probably one of the safest cities in the UK. As well as this, it’s also one of the cheapest and the friendliest. I really doubt that the people have actually visited anywhere outside of London (hence why I referred to Han), and are just trying to create controversy.
See, my mate told me about this. In order to get public funding for more important things, think tanks and scientific groups make “Facedial Discoveries” (I think they’re called), which are useless, but newsworthy. They will then get commissioned on more important topics. Such as cancer cures. This is just one of them (their next one will be “How to make the North the new South”). I like London, and I’m friends with them, just this report does rile me because it’s serving no other purpose but to piss people off.
With that said, which is better? North or South?
Comments: 7 Comments
Rhys Wynne, the author of this blog, is a 20 something web designer from Colwyn Bay. 
I had a feeling you might speak up about this, Rhys. Thanks!
It really was a pathetic attempt to get in the news, wasn’t it?
I’m not going to say either one is better because the north and south both have their good and bad points, but to say the north is beyond revival is a joke.
And who says that just because our towns and cities are not of the same style to southern towns and cities, they need reviving? When you look at Manchester, you see a city who not too long ago hosted the Commonwealth Games. When you look at Leeds, you see the fastest developing city in the UK, with the best new media facilities and support in the UK. When you look at Sheffield, you see some of the UK’s best sporting facilities, hosting world sporting competitions. When you look at Liverpool, you see the European Capital of Culture 2008.
Bah. I think it’s the south that needs reviving.
I’ve got nothing against the north – its just fun to mock you – you dirty raping northerner!
SOUTH FTW!!!
haha Rhys you make some really good points there. My step-daughter was horrified when I mentioned that we might move outside London. I’m sure she thinks there is nothing but wasteland outside of the M25
I don’t know, I would need to know what Premier League teams play in the North and South and that would help me decide.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:2008-09_Premier_League_team_locations.svg
Manchester United play around 7th or 8th from the West. Chelsea & Arsenal are in the south eastern cluster.
Rhys, you have got to read what FiddyP has to say about this! He has been inspired by you!