August 20th, 2008
Categories: General

Grim Up North?


A story on the BBC got me fuming late last week. Apparently, a think tank who really haven’t got much to do except masturbate and get in the way of life, have said that The North is “Beyond Revival” and a mass migration to London, Cambridge and Oxford would stop them becoming “trapped” in poorer areas. Reports that Han headed the committee that wrote the report remain unfounded.

So, in light of the soon to be northern invasion into the South, here’s some things to look out for.

  • You may notice all Northerners having a funny look on their face, with squinty eyes and an upturned mouth. This is an expression known as “smiling”.
  • Work will finish at 5, on the dot. Any extra we get paid for. It is a long standing agreement.
  • Please do not be offended if we refuse a £3.50 a pint. That’s like an hourly wage, after tax.
  • We do not care about our “Dividends”. We care about “Odds”.
  • We will care about the Boat Race the second you allow more teams in, particularly Leeds Metropoliton University and the Sunderland Technical College.
  • If we suddenly make noises to you on the train, it does not mean we’re a terrorist about to blow it up, nor are we a paedophile, nor are we asking for your wallet. It’s called a “conversation”.
  • We have no idea where Essex is, or why you should be proud (or offended) if you come from there.
  • Because we stand a football matches, we are not hooligans. It was popular in the 1970′s, and we will do it.

Joking aside, the report made me angry. I lived in Liverpool for 4 years and never had any trouble where we were living. It’s probably one of the safest cities in the UK. As well as this, it’s also one of the cheapest and the friendliest. I really doubt that the people have actually visited anywhere outside of London (hence why I referred to Han), and are just trying to create controversy.

See, my mate told me about this. In order to get public funding for more important things, think tanks and scientific groups make “Facedial Discoveries” (I think they’re called), which are useless, but newsworthy. They will then get commissioned on more important topics. Such as cancer cures. This is just one of them (their next one will be “How to make the North the new South”). I like London, and I’m friends with them, just this report does rile me because it’s serving no other purpose but to piss people off.

With that said, which is better? North or South?

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